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"Gee, Alyce..."July 29 Collection of PsalmsMy wounds fester and are loathsome
because of my sinful folly.
My back is filled with searing pain;
there's no health in my body .
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
I groan in anguish of heart.
Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledge my sin to you
and did not cover up my inquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgression to the Lord" -
and you forgive the guilt of my sin.
Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Let me not be put to shame, O Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave.
Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous. FurySiiiiiiigh... I was going to relate how delightful my birthday celebration was.. but my dad just had to chose that moment to 'spoke me' (his absolute favourite saying now) <.< So, yea. Great for him to chose the right moment to stab something right into my heart of budding happiness. Maybe not natural happiness, but realistic contentment. I haven't felt such a nice feeling for a while, not after all that had happened. Just great. The only sound I hear is my protesting stomach and typing, plus a radio broadcastor speaking. WHat I felt overwhelms all that I'm hearing, such accusations. Do you know how I feel whenever anyone of my parents accuses me of being the trigger of every of their arguments? Huh? "Its all because of you." "It's all because of you." Do you know the burden I had to carry? Yet I have to stay tough, hold strong, stand tall, look confident so that no one has to worry too much about me? I especially cannot let my juniors know how much pressure I'm in. I refuse to crumble under these circumstances. No way! July 25 ~Amazing Grace~Amazing Grace Lyrics
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, The movie totally blew me away. Some people commented of the slo-pace and lack of action, but I beg to differ: the wit would certainly draw you in. Trust me on that. And you get to hear Ioan Grufford sing. ^^ July 13 Do You Know Something I Don't?Do you know how empty the words I utter? I'm not saying I keep empty promises, but how hollow I sound, how distant, how unattached, how childish.... Childish for complaining. I don't complain much, because I've learnt to hold it in. If you complain, people's first impression of you is a complainer, a whiner, someone who couldn't handle much responsibility.
Do you know a leader is strong, resilient and with the never-give-up mentality? If someone looks up to you, you immediately have the role of someone who can influence, someone who can inspire, someone who can affect the lifes of others. The ones who look to you respect and admire you. They are known to place you high on the rung of ladders in their mind. They see you as you can speak no wrong, you can do no wrong... That's how young children see their parents, how young kids see teachers, mentors, even friends.
Do you know what you want in life is to see yourself happy? If we're not happy, we feel the world is against us, 'I'm being mistreated here! Why can't anyone see that?', 'Life's unfair!' etc. . Being happy is not a sin, I never said it was. Having yourself happy works in a lot of ways. If you're happy, you're in a good mood, which results in yourself being open and smiling, willing to help a complete stranger, willing to deal with family, willing to give another person one more chance or just shrugging off the $20 that a friend owes you. You feel much more productive and actually feel like you want to do something... anything that other people can enjoy as well. If you're able to laugh at yourself or lighten tense moments at the right moment with the right appropriateness (I mean, some people just crack up at the wrong instances which can be very bad), I'd say you're good to go make a difference.
Do you know that relationships are the most complicated, most frustrating problem than any other Calculus jig-a-ma-algebra trig-differentiation problem? They've got so many books published on relationships alone! Jeez! We learn there's a first base, second base and way-beyond second base. I bet a fourth base will hit the markets soon. How to kiss? How to break-up? How to hook-up with Mr/Mrs. Right. We just crave love dramas, man! Waiting doesn't seem an option nowadays. But I could be wrong. Oooh, yea. These days, people marry for love. Most people. Some might argue about good-looks, money, fame... See here, a relationship stems from chemistry and it depends entirely on the other person if he/she likes the way you look. If he/she is 40 pounds overweight, has a rash on the neck or knitted eyebrows, and you still like them... Why? Cause you still think they look good! Of course, you'll have to coax them to maybe pluck off some of the hairs, put on some cream etc., you just want the best for them.
Money issue. Hmm.. it's always the toughest. Well, maybe not to some people. I wonder really, how many people can really live up to the vow of 'in richness and in poverty'. It would certainly be testing times. We do look for mates that can provide for the family. Guys grow up thinking they have to have a job, they have to at least earn more than the girl or woman... being the breadwinner is wired in a man's mind as family is more orientated in a woman's mind. It stems from prehistoric times. Basic instinct. So, hah! No one can prove me wrong. :P
You'll be lying if you say you don't want a partner who's caring, honest, loving and loyal.
And Girls, sex is not the way to go for a long-lasting relationship. You'd be lucky if he wants to marry you after romping for 5 months. Please don't get offended. I just feel that sex after marriage is a better option. To expose your body before marriage is especially traumatising if the relationship just does not work out in the end. We have such a huge market of magazines such as Playboy and pornography that girls are looking towards nude shots for a quick buck.Even if you're desperate, you have a choice! Don't do things that you'll regret later in life. July 12 Amalgam of GriefI am not happy.
My health's deteriorating, I'm not happy in my relationship, I'm not happy with my time-wasting, I'm not happy with how I'm always on the net, I'm not happy how I've always craved friends.
What am I afraid of?
I'm afriad of loneliness, rejection and feeling guilty. Common human emotions, and it is a signal that something's not right.
We rely on these signals to judge for ourselves what should we do to improve this situation. I know it's rather tragically heroic if we stay in those self-pitying sympathy and hope that something of extraordinary hope would encase us and pull us away from the murky depths of darkness in our hearts. We all wish for a miracle. We wish that our loved ones, either human or animal would somehow come back to life. It is not possible, yet not impossible.
To come back to life is God's doing. To come back to life from defeat is your move. You move yourself out with God's help. When I say God's help, it is when he sent the right people to bring you up back to life. These people could be friends, family or strangers. The world is not limited to a pleasant circle of known acquaintances. The world is undeniably foul, but the beacons of light among worst are those who stick to their guns, living the life they should. They know what is right, what is wrong. They are like leaders who tells people, "Get up and follow me. You won't go wrong."
We have many people setting this example for us, and yet we choose our own way. It is not wrong to do that, because we want to discover for ourselves, which makes the change even more lasting, and for the better. However, we know we have to have some support at least to get through grief, depression, defeat, disabilities, addictions... If it were not for the people that are willing to help us no matter the costs, I'll say our generation, our world is in deep trouble. Deep, selfish, trouble.
Some people say the church can't help me. Let me ask you this, are you willing to receive help in return? Understand that what doesn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people. Maybe the church is facing financial difficulties... When people say the churches are out for our money, think about this: how can a church operate and do charity works when it is financially unstable? With finance out from our worry, the church will expand its generosity to others. The church does not exist for the benefit of themselves, it exists for the benefit of the public. I know some of you might find it hard to believe, but when a church does not give you money when you asked for it, that's because you're asking it on the wrong terms, trying to get a free nick off them. The church will help those in need if it's within their power.
They will.
Although I'm not always happy with how life turns out to be, I ask people to encourage me to move on. If I'm not positive inside, the outside will show. And those who care will ask you. If you're screaming inside for someone to notice and they don't.. speak out. You do not need to suffer alone. If they are your friends, they'll listen and not interrupt.
I've lost sleep because I was counselling some friends. And I became sick. I thought it is my job to always be there for my friends. Sadly, I misinterpreted my stamina. A good leader knows how to balance. And I need to practice that. Delegation. Less worry.
What I've vowed:
1) No expletives used in my daily conversations
2) Look towards God more often
3) Make connections/relationships that exalt me towards God
I can't guarantee I'll stop wasting time... Timeis a luzury and unfortunately, some of us take it for granted. March 23 'Sweating Out'It is possible to hear yourself sweat. It doesn't happen instantly. First, you become aware of the mettalic hum of the nearby speakers. Then, comes the forlorn rattle of ice cubes in cocktail glasses, then the subtle but unmistakably self-conscious clearing of throats. And then comes a terrifying symphony of creaks, groans, squeaks, scrapes and shuffles you never noticed before, all pouring out of that pitiless black void in front of you.
And then - in the moment, you're absolutely sure of this - you can feel and hear the beads of sweat erupting, like the sound of bubble wrap popping. It's pure, exquisite agony.
I felt that when I played the piano piece during assemblies. I noticed my face heating up like Rudolf's Nose, knowing fully well that I'm lighting up my pores with Cycloptic beam. Heh. But I was controlled in the second assembly and regardless of the mass, I released myself.
"Where there is total absence of yourself beauty is"
March 21 Oh. My. God.Whoo-ee!!! I just came back from a debating seminar held in King's College, and it was certainly held in a lecture hall. King's people are so rich! (I mean, like, ancient buildings that looked like it managed to hold on and ride out the harsh conditions of modernization; or they are very well-preserved) Either way, this entry log is not about how King's have acres of land to themselves with dorm buildings, almost university-campus-like (but smaller, like a little town obscured in the slums of suburbs) and cute british-y lampposts which my friend, Kate, dubbed 'fairy lights'.
So! The demonstrated debate was rather lively, but not quite, and yet, they hold a very huge amount of tension. Translation: They were speaking so quickly that I was sure they lost it or I lost it as I try to stay on the edge of my seat and absorb all that is said. I mean, whoa! I admire people who speak fast, yet with definite clarity; but not going too fast a pace would be suitable for the standard audience. I was rather strummed by the fact that they could squeeze so many words, key points, 'No, thank you', 'Yes, I accept' phrases of the Point of Information people...
I am clichely speaking, speechless. I was in awe, but not dropping-down-on-my-knees-worshipping. Seriously, what do you take me for?
What I meant by Point of Information is when one person from a team is speaking, the other person from the other team would say, "Point of information!" out very loudly with some 'funny' gestures (think early men tipping their hat when they pass a gentlewoman). The point is, these are used to either break the flow of your 8-minute speech or make you lose track of what you were going to say via continue on. It is very distracting and rather rude. As distasteful as it sounds, it is necessary to utter those three nasty little words now and again to frustrate the opponent.
Guess what? Impromptu debating's next Wednesday! Yay!
Am I so looking forward to it? March 17 "Busting A Gut""Busting my gut" is my dad's most used phrase; he uses it when the emotional pain he felt was too much in him. He told me that he had been spiritually empty before he found God, but still, the trials and tribulations of life needs a courageous shoulder to bear. He has been discriminated and facing stress in his workplace, he has to come home to an unresponsive wife (and I'm not talking about sex here, guys; it's a matter of language) and has to deal with my teenage dramas and angst from me. I truly believe that he was in a vicious cycle, a turn of change has slowly surfaced, breaking old habits.
My dad is a remarkable man, someone whom I turn to for advice, someone with implicit and explicit knowledge to share, someone with reasonable lectures and arguments, someone who encourages and speaks from the heart; My dad tells no lies in the family. He is honest, direct and forthright.
His way of educating me through persuasion, diplomacy and experience has brought me as I am today, developed naturally in my own time, given sufficient freedom. I marvel at how he taught me to be independent in general, to be able to speak out, and also to be emotionally wise (I would not conform easily to the pressures from society e.g. sex, peer pressure etc.), yet still he would holding on protectively, providing a safety net always.
Always receiving me no matter the time....
He loves me and would do anything, even sacrifice for me. He has done so much.
I need to treat him better, and not always lose my patience with him. For what he's going to say or explain, are gems that could be of value to me in the future.
Ah, the sun has come out through the thick misty haze. It is a time of reflection, a time of realisation, a time to break the cord, a time to pull the plunge.
There is nothing to lose if we show love to our family. There is nothing to lose by saying "I love you" to your blood and flesh. There is nothing to lose to embrace them and show affectionate gestures to the ones you love.
Because deep inside, they truly appreciate what you've been doing and showing all along.
Give your dad a hug today, no matter their response. Just hug them tight and pour your emotion into this praise, "You are a remarkable man. I love you."
Say and do that to your mother as well. March 16 Competitions and PerformancesWell, well, well.
Look who's back.
Me.
^.^
Right'io! Let's get on to what I'm going to write.
Heh. (Sorry, I'm in a terrific jumpy mood; although it doesn't make much sense)
Anyway, I had a Race Unity Speech Competition last Wednesday night. I was nervous, because I'm afriad I'll forget my lines, goof up when I'm in the limelight and well... I just prepared the speech two nights ago. I practised speaking to myself, friends and family just for a few minutes before I went to the designated location: 40, Vermont Street, Ponsonby (St. Columbia Centre).
To my surprise, we were seperated into three rooms, so only about 20 people in one room. As you probably guessed, it was female-dominated. I made friends with the candidates, talked to a finalist last year, Ipshita, an apparently debating champion (as told by Lee), Tracey, the youngest competitor, Carey (girl) from EGGS and Rikki, who just transfered to MAGS. You'd probably noticed the abbreviations, e.g. I'm from MRGS. So, yup, for those not in NZ, EGGS stand for Epsom Girls Grammar School and MAGS for Mount Albert Grammar School.
Well. (Gee, I'm doing lots of 'well's) Me being the 5th speaker, everything was in place. At the final course of the competition, we had to wait for the judges to deliberate. Our room took the longest time whilst the other two rooms were like dismissed in what a few minutes after the winners were announced. Oh, yea, it's just a regional heat. If you get to the next round, you'll be competing nationally.
I have to say I did great! :P Not my first time speaking in front of people, but definitely the first time under tense competition pressure and also in front of the small section of strangers in the world. So, I console myself with the idea that if I goofed up, no one will remember 10 years down the road.
I did really well. :P I didn't get through, but I got good reviews, proudly announcing certain words such as 'powerful beginning, passionate, sincerity' etc. Ain't it wonderful? :D
The next day, I was invited to perform a music item in both assemblies (To my M'sian friends: We have two assemblies here because Butler Hall wasn't large enough to fit all 2300 students). So, I was wracked with uncertainty and nervousness the night before and the following day. It's understandable that I got some minor mistakes in a popular film thematic song.... Grr. My muscles were tensed. I did great in the second assembly.
Wanna know the song? I bet you do.
It's Titanic's theme song, Celine Dion's best. Oh, and it was arranged and handwritten by my M'sian piano teacher back home. Kudos, sir!
March 07 Cancerous TumourA few weeks ago, I was suspected to be a smoker by a couple of doctors and a radiologist.
As from the radiologist's report: A coarse band of density in the right midzone which is probably post inflammatory scarring. Otherwise, lungs and pleural spaces are clear. Cardiac, mediastinal and hilar contours are normal.
It was a shock to me. I knew it wasn't what it was expected, but the report was there. My dad and mom was awfully worried. The radiologists discussed among themselves, rang up a doctor and sent us there. The doctor, Mr. Stone, said 'I'm sure she'll be fine' and then told us that he would seek another doctor's advice of my X-ray print. It wasn't traumatic, fretful or depressing for me, but I can sense anxiety levels shooting up like high-blood pressure patients in my dad. My mom spoke in Cantonese, "Why do you have so many things?" (literal translation)
Her comment did cause a pang in me, and I began to feel guilty. I was worried on future medical costs as I don't want to burden my family with more expenses. We're trying to save up for a house and my education, and I know my parents spent a lot on me (music, my face, general well-being, health, school etc.) That was the first sign of remorse.
Later in the day, I shut myself in my room and studied, trying to distract myself from a sense of loss. Softly, I prayed; I did not cry, I prayed. After that, I just went out to get myself a drink of water; my dad called me in. He showed me the information he gathered from the Internet on lung-related problems. I didn't want to hear about it - first sign of withdrawal. Then, my dad accused me of not being anxious or health-conscious of my own body. He said that publicly in the doctor's office in Cantonese, so no one would understand except us.
Sigh. I understand the fraught from my dad and the silent concern from my mom (though she doesn't say it; sometimes I'm not sure what she's feeling).
Then, I began to think whether I should tell my friends and boyfriend. I thought of the doctor telling me I have 'six months to live'. If it were so, I wonder if the friends I told would be willing to book a flight to Auckland just to see me. Real friendship would be tested then. But if I were to face a situation like this, I would not have want to afflict or saddle my friends with worry... especially not my boyfriend. So, I kept quiet and told only acquaintances, friends with no strong attachments yet. I did just that and managed my week with optimism and unfaltering smiles, just confining myself into a few hours of seclusion when I felt like thinking. I am proud that I've managed to uphold my stance.
I was positive that my body would repair itself, but it would take time. It's just a scarring anyway, the source unknown (although I have a few sneaky suspicion of second-hand smoke).
The Good News is that I've got word that it was a false alarm!You couldn't believe how relieved I was to hear that! Sure it was rather dramatic for a while to think that I was inflicted with this tragedy, like the main character in the world. :P But in the end, I'm grateful that none of my worst fears came true. People like to imagine themselves as the tragic victim, but would want to come out alive at the end; that's normal histrionic behavior.
Finally, I'm ready to tell everyone my story.
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